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Sunday, November 3, 2013

Weighing and Measuring My Life

It makes sense that it has to start with the food.
At least for me.
I had to get my eating under control before I could attempt to get anything else in my life in order.

At times, like today, it seems overwhelming.
The stomach bug has hit our house, and so there's a lot of yucky mess to clean up.
Lot's of extra laundry.
Lot's of extra chores, in general, not to mention the broken jar of honey that spattered on the floor an hour ago, nor the 1/4 cup of red juice 45 minutes ago that seemingly exploded out of someone's little hands all over the the white rug: 500 little droplets that needed to be individually treated with stain remover. Oh, look! Another projectile pile of vomit! I hadn't been in this bathroom yet today. Floor, walls, door, toilet. Ah me, what a mess. My life seems inundated with filth on multiple levels. This current tidal wave is almost all dealt with, but I needed a brief "fresh air" break.

Like most of you, there's also the ongoing list of "life events". For us this weekend, it's a "square" birthday for a now four-year-old "Bear" and date night with Hubbs.

For me too (and you, I bet in some shape or form), there's the deeper stuff like working on my ammends list that needs to be kept front and center and the deep, personal upheaval of trying to bring order into the chaos of my life in general: from cupboards, drawers, finances, attitudes, reactions, dress... all of it. And that stress of trying to truly change, triggers my caged compulsive overeating to jump up and down and rattle its prison cup along the bars of my will, clanking loudly: "RELEASE ME! AND I WILL MAKE IT BETTER!" For so many years, I listened to that lie. That I could hide, stuff, delay, bury, avoid my stress/my problems/my life by eating. That I could numb out or get into a food fog so deep I couldn't see which end was up, nor really care. But I have more than 431 days that show me otherwise now. More than a year of daily putting my food in its proper place, without exception, and the clarity that comes with that. The clarity to see my truth. My truth is that I only have today to work on my life. Today to make choices, even small ones that move my life in the right direction. If today, I will do all those little things that need doing (at least the important ones), eventually real progress will be able to be seen. It may take a while. It certainly takes longer than Mrs. "I-want-it-changed-instantly" would like. But my own life is proof. Today, I weigh 93 pounds less than I did 15 months ago. I'm no longer the big girl in the room. I still have some weight to lose, but I don't take up more than my "fair share" in the universe. And it happened slowly, properly, steadily. I know that I am no one special. There are no superpowers in my possession that magically made that happen. I just weighed and measured my correct food three times a day and didn't eat anything else.

So, the rest of my life will also fall into place. One day, you may just be amazed. For the record though, we'll know; however, that it was simply taking it one day at a time, and accepting that as long as I'm doing the best that I can at that given moment, that effort is quite good enough.

Erica Robinson