Monday, March 31, 2014

The addict in me.

His movies, frankly, terrrified me. The Talented Mr. Ripley had me running from the room. So much so that I didn't watch his films: he was so gut-wrenchingly real.
You would think Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death would not have been noticed by me. But is has impacted me so very much. Daily. Because, unbeknownst to me at the time, he was an addict in recovery in all that jaw-dropping brilliance. A life led full-bore. Authentic. And then he relapsed. About the time I got sober with my food addiction. He accelerated as an addicted personality, with multiple addictions, at a break neck pace and then died in a humiliating manner (my recurring fear as an addict): One a father would surely never wish for his children to see. Or a friend to bear witness, too.
And so I want to learn from him. To honor him. To realize that the lie of that first bite, first drink, first whatever you and I are addicted to, is exactly that -- a lie! And it will kill us. We don't all get second or third or fourth chances at recovery. It is not something to be taken lightly. At least, I am dead certain that I can't have that attitude. For if I do, I'll soon be listening to the seductive reasoning of "I can handle it now" or "moderation is the goal" or "I've been sober/abstinent for ___ years, obviously, I've got this down now."
Understand: an addict is NEVER cured. They are only one of two things: acting out in their compulsions or in recovery.
I give up on being cured. There is; however, a solution. I'm in one. I'm grateful for that. I want others to know there is hope: not in a cure, but in a simple day by day recovery program. Today. That is all I really have.
All any of us have.
Make it count!  Even if it seems immeasurable.  It matters.
You matter.
Bet you knew I was going to say that!
Erica Robinson