Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Addict in me: being brave.

It was weigh day today and I gained weight.
And I'd had the stomach flu the day before, so I really shouldn't have gained weight.
But I had. 1.2# Boo. Hiss.
It was the first time in 21 months of faithfully doing my program that I had not lost weight.
It shook me.
What did I do wrong? What do I need to give up? What should I have done different, or better, or something...?

I knew I wasn't going to stop weighing and measuring my food. That would be disastrous! I'd end up pushing 300# again before I could say, "Jack Sprat".

It still was eating at me though.
And then her call came. This new friend of mine. Who does what I do. And gets it. She called to reassure me that it wasn't about the food. It was about other stuff going on. Things like stress or other things that I wasn't willing to let go of, so my body was in "protection" mode. Shore up the defenses mode. It was a relief to hear her kind and balanced words, because I don't want to be on a diet. Ever. Again. I don't "do" diets well. I'm always fatter at the start of a new diet than I was at the start of my last one, so I don't want to go there. Never.

And she's been doing this for eight years. So, she has some experience. And I listened. And I thought. And I got real quiet with myself and asked, "What am I afraid of?"
- surgery on Friday? Yes, a little.
- work stress? Yes, a little.
- upcoming son's wedding stuff? Yes, a little.
- upcoming son's graduation? Yes, but a very little.
- being too amazing if I'm really, truly me? Yes, a lot.
- losing all my friends because they can't stand me anymore? Yes, a lot.
- by no longer being a people pleaser, having to face the reality of unmasked lives? Uh-huh.
- by putting people outside my circle of trust who used to be there based on their behavior? Uh-huh.
- by wearing a wig everyday because I feel more "me", even when people give me odd looks. Or won't look. Or ask Hubbs questions they won't or don't or can't ask me? Yep.
- by becoming "all flame" in every sense of the word and not being consumed and burned up, but rather spreading joy and light and happiness and truth and goodness and it compounding and growing ever brighter and brighter? Yes.

Oh, well now that measly 18 oz doesn't seem like so much.
Now, I catch a glimpse of how much easier it was to numb out in the food and just be oblivious or slightly depressed that I wasn't reaching my potential.
But now, to not only say, "I want to reach my potential," but "I want to explode and count and matter and do what it takes to make that happen! So watch out world, I'm here and staying!" That is scary. Freaky scary.

But you know what I have learned about myself these past six months as I've been doing my 12-Step work? One of my character assets is that I am brave.

And it is true. I AM BRAVE.
So, respecting myself and my freaking out body, I'm going to take care of myself by staying abstinent and realizing that I can be brave and be me.

So, here are two of my favorite songs that beat with my heartbeat, "be brave", "have courage", and "face your fears, don't run away". The first is "The Misty Mountains Cold" (You'll need adobe flash to watch)

The second is a song that we sing in church from time to time. It is called, "Rejoice, O unwedded bride." (which is the chorus). This version is sung by Divna Ljubojevic. Whenever I hear it, a symphony of courage and praise goes off in my head.

Be Brave, Dear Ones, be brave. Life lived in fear is not what you are meant to live.
Erica Robinson